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there's always going to be people you can do without...
people you think you couldn't breathe without..
and people you'll never know ever even existed..
and somehow those people you don't need..
need you.
and those people you need..
don't need you..
and those people you don't know are what make the difference in how your life gets lived..
and how many breaths you take.
embrace the memories you have..
the ones you are making today..
and the ones you wish you could simply forget.
you wouldn't be who you are without them.
you won't turn out into much of anything without them..
and regardless they're getting made..
so it's for your benefit that you make the best of it.
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wouldn't it be great to just pick up and take off?
sometimes i wish i could forget everything and everyone and disappear into the oblivious..
but you can't compartmentalize what to forget and what to store away.
so to forget everything and everyone would be to forget who i am all together..
and i'm so proud of the person i've become that it would be unnecessary self-depreciation to do so.
lately things seem weird..a bit off.
but with these things being off, they are kind of...well, on.
i'm bothered, because i let everything affect me..
but i should actually just be pretty "chillin' " right now. as awkward as that sounds.
but yeah anyway...
new exciting things. i want them.
new exciting views. i want them.
new exciting ideas. i want them.
with people i love.
to explore, and admire, and experience, and learn.
life is meant to be lived.
earth does not consist of your house, it's town, and the county you live in.
there's a world out there.
and i swear, somehow i'm gonna meet it.
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Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
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I want to look up at the stars
to pretend you see the same ones, too.
i want to cry until i'm swimming
to watch my hope float out to you.
i want to sing a song of dreams
to hear you laugh at the reality.
i want to feel myself be whole
but i know first i need to meet your soul..
i think i smile
because i've met you in my future.
i think i cry
because i've lived before your birth.
i think i sleep
because i'm waiting just to meet you.
i think i'm breathing
just to bring you back to earth.
and when i find you
nothing else will matter.
and when i find you
everything will be okay.
and when i find you
everything will fall in place.
but for now it's my imagination..
a little more than simple concentration..
i picture me and a foreign you
being happy..just us two.
we all have this day. in some lifetime, it not this one.
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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
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| Time: | 4:55 pm. |
| Mood: |  impressed. | | Music: | i can fly higher than an eagle... |
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everything feels ten thousand times better...
just with the illusion that you're in control.
today--i'm proud of myself.
and for today, that's all that matters.
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is it supposed to hurt...when you make a fool of yourself?
it's worse than ridicule-- this self humiliation.
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Everything SUCKS really badly sometimes.
but it all has to happen.
DESTINY ?
Yeah, I believe in it.
Haven't you ever needed something to believe in?
We all need something...
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Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
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to think of myself.
we're friends. just friends. because you don't know how to love someone enough to be anything but.
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| Time: | 12:45 pm. |
| Mood: |  calm. | | Music: | White Flag.. |
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If there's one thing I've learned after 19 years, it's...
FORGIVENESS.
It's actually painful to sit and simmer and dislike and despise.
I don't expect anyone to forgive me for whatever I've done in their eyes.
That's their own burden to hold.
But since last night...I've actually had nothing but time to contemplate why I feel the way I feel.
There are so many emotions I've felt toward so many different people, that I couldn't begin to explain them to myself..
FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
I don't owe anyone anything.
And anything I've done--I've done because at the time, it was in MY better interest.
I apologize for the fact that it wasn't done in yours.
I don't care that in your eyes, you see me as something less than what I am.
I know better.
But for anyone who has given me reason to hate or judge,
I FORGIVE YOU.
Don't misinterpret this entry as a need for your forgiveness.
Everyone has to find that within themselves.
And I am not saying that you asked me to forgive you.
You might think you have no reason to be forgiven...and that is just fine.
But I'm wiping my slate clean.
I'm letting it all go.
For the first time in my life, I'm eliminating all grudges.
And I don't hold anything against anyone.
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Thursday, March 6th, 2008
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| Time: | 6:21 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. | | Music: | Lost... |
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Let's see.
My little brother loves to tease, so let's see how good at this I can be >.<
- You know it. We know it. The closet will get suffocating, even with the light on sweetheart.
-I've always seen you as eccentric and pretentious. You're attitude makes you both lovable and rude at the same time. I used to want to be your friend. I'm really just disgusted by you now.
-You suffer from some kind of severe personality disorder. I thought I wanted to understand you. but I rather have nothing to do with you. Your actions prove your words are fake. Everything you say, you say to reflect some kind of image. And you own an album of photographs you would love to portray. You're worthless and I pity you, because you know it, too. Your some kind of slow poison. And it's gonna get them, just like it got me.
-Sometimes you do things that make me nervous. but being around you brings out some kind of endorphins in me that I love. I hate seeing you succumb to such bad habits, ones that aren't worth it. I love you more than you could imagine, and ive proven this to myself by what ive already done for you. You might not see it, but you've nestled yourself into my heart. It's gonna take more than a crobar to get you out babes. Friends that turned into family. That line was built for us. For me, for you.
-I still don't know if you said it. I don't want it to matter anymore. I love you. You're amazing. I wish I could show you how pathetic she was. Maybe then things will be different. I wish I had met you first...
- I'll never understand what you see in her. You're an acquired taste yourself, but I care about you alot. You don't value my friendship I'm sure. But I've always been stuck at the sucky end of one-sided relationships. Why should you be any different right? Open your eyes. She doesn't love you. I honestly think she could care less. And I hate to say it, but grow up. You have a severe immaturity disorder when you have something stuck in her head. So once more: Open your eyes, there's more to life than what you're looking at. I'm scared your gonna realize it all too late :/
-I loved you, you know. You were stupid. You're insecure. You give off this repulsive vibe that you know just how to control. You've lost yourself in your own chamber. You're full of yourself and everything else. I might not be perfect, but I'm sure as fuck not denying who I am. That's your family, I know. But you lie to them too. I don't know if it's true, but I've heard you don't like me. They came from her though. And she was a born liar. I used to think, some day you'd realize our potential. But I can't be any part of you. Because you and I together wouldn't be enough. They'd smother us, like they smother you. Like they smother each other. Serious whirpool complexions. I love you, you know that?
***EDITED***-It's unbelieveable to me how I let you turn me into the kind of girl I hate. You took so much from me. And I still want to give you the rest. You don't know how to begin to accept it. You make me feel things I didn't know I could feel. And they're not all good. But most of them consume me. Just when I think I can say that I love you. You remind me why I can't. You think so much of yourself that the IDEA of someone caring more for you than you ever could scares the shit out of you. You're comfortable. But I'm not. I can't keep settling for your indifference. Either I mean something to you, or I mean nothing. And I let you mean everything to me. I owe you alot, but I don't owe you a thing. That might not make sense to you. But I make perfect sense to me. You aren't indispensable. But I am. I think I love you. I don't know if that's true. But I do..And I hate that you won't ever appreciate it. Maybe it's what I deserve...for being in such a sick relationship. But I'd love to think I deserve actual happiness. Like you say you want me to have. So now..just let me go. And let happiness find me. Let me get, what you are so unwilling to give. Somewhere, there's someone who will want me...under any and every condition. So if you ever fucking cared about me at all, help me be happy. And let me go.
-I wish you unnerving happiness. You think I'm not sorry? Well, I am. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. He doesn't own me. I just did what I had to do. We all make mistakes. You've made your share. I want to say I wish things had been different. But you're another inconsistency. I don't regret us tearing ourselves away from eachother. You pushed me into a path I never imagined I'd be on. But I have to thank you. You were the one tool that helped me get away. I'm always going to love you. Sisters? That didn't even define what you were to me. Even after all the damage you caused. You think I fucked up? You forgot alot of your past didn't you? You aren't mature. But your new friends all believe you. Aren't you glad I helped you find them? I got tired of trying to help you. I hope one day you realize everything I did for you. Everything I tried to do. The love you gave away. But it's better this way. We're worlds apart, and just a few streets away. I'm sorry I hurt you, but I'm not sorry you're gone. You don't believe me. It doesn't matter. If you just realized, what I just realized..maybe someday.
-You're chonga. And you're fake. You're ugly, and kinda dumb. I'm glad you've found your niche with your family. We all deserve satisfaction. I'm just glad you and I have nothing to do anymore.
- You hate the shit talking. And you hate the fake. I love you so much. There's just something about you that makes me value your friendship. Even when others tell me I shouldn't. And yet, those same things you hate, you pride yourself in. You're the number one at bullshit, and you hold yourself up on some silver platter. I love you, but baby turn the light down on yourself. Everyone doesn't feel the same way I do. Maybe one day you'll learn how to talk it and live it. You'll always have a friend in me though :)
-He's worthless. You know just how to irritate me, but I love you regardless. You're exhausting. But amazing. I couldn't ask for a better friend. Your God's gift to hearts. But shut up. You talk so much LOL. You have such beautiful intentions, I love you for your giant heart. But breathe little momma. You're stronger than I give you credit for. Keep your head up. We all have our tests. You'll make it out of this just fine.
-You ever wonder why you have to find them all through a computer screen? There's something wrong with you sweetheart. That's why they never stick around.
-I hate him. You let him own you, so there's nothing I can do. It's not his fault you suck. I love you. And i swear I have no clue why. I don't know how I put up with you and the things you do. But I do. And every time you do something to set him off, and find a way to make it his fault, I'll be here. Even though you've never been here for me when I needed you. I need you now. So where are you ? Fuck you. I love you. God, grow up. Grow into yourself. Stop making me wish I had a better friend. You should be it. You could be it. Damn it, BE IT !
-I hate who you've become. You used to stand for something. You have your mind set on the right ideas. Go through with them. He doesn't care. He doesn't care enough to let you care either. So stop caring for him and focus on you. You're so afraid of what is going to happen that you're ignoring what's happening. Where's your fucking future? Fix yourself. Fix it all. Do it all. You have to. No one can do it for you. No one is good enough, even if you want them to be. You're not alone, but it's all on you. I know it's suffocating. But giving up is admitting defeat. And you are a part of your own family, so you know that's not an option. Prove to them you're better than they were. Prove to them you can handle it. Prove to yourself your word means something. Take your own and advice and LIVE IT, so that when you give it out again, you can say " I know this works." You aren't as experienced as you'd like to be. You live your life based on theories and paranoid scenarios. No one is out to get you, but you. You're your own biggest fear. How can you expect to trust anyone else...if you have no fucking idea, how to trust you?
-You're my sister. Yeah, you've talked a house of shit. But I can see right through those holes in your brain. And I know that in your heart you love me. You're gonna make it big one day. And however you get there, I'm going to support you. You're my right arm. And a piece of my heart. You're more than I am, and that's a sad confession. I love you drastically. And I'd die if something happened to you. Take care of yourself. Please. I'd do it for you if I could. But I can't. And you know that. Your mother knows it, too. I think that's why she's such a bitch. She needs to know, like me, that you can make it on your own two feet--and not just that. But that you'll be okay. I just wish I got to live life with you. I feel like you're growing up away from me. And that breaks my heart. Even if you're cold hearted. I know you love me. You know it too.
Maybe this turned into more than I expected...I'm not perfect. And sometimes I lose my cool. But I'm proud of my intentions.
What are we waiting for? I wish I had the faith to find patience...I wish I had faith...I wish I had patience. I wish I could stay content knowing I have no control. So that's that...
I asked him why he wouldn't tell me. He said it wasn't any of my business. He's right. I'm just nosy. Sometimes you need to vent.
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Thursday, February 28th, 2008
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how do you describe feeling immense elation and extreme repulsion simultaneously?
i think it's one word : defeat :/
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Friday, February 22nd, 2008
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How true is the dark saying "Every creature dies alone" ?
and depending on the percentage of truth...is the search for God absurd? I wake up everyday and ask myself. How embraced are we by the likes of God? There's a metaphysical presence around us. Enveloping us. Sometimes even smothering us with morals, ideals, ethics, laws, instincts, consciences, subconcious, emotions, and darkness--darkness so thick it drips over all those qualities that are to be percieved accepted by society today and it's irrational norm. Darkness so quick it leaves no room or chance for the good, set in place by those before us, to react and leave it's mark in us. Guiding us into what is expected. What is known as 'well'. How much are we beings in the body of Christ so much as beings embodied by an infinite trend whose beginning was lost to those weaker..those less compelled to question there very existance and living contently within their range of understanding blissful ignorance?
I wake up everyday and ask myself. How long before we discover our purpose? If we even have one. How dull is nature though, if there actually is no purpose or God. And we're just born to die. Meaningless. A meer droplet in an ocean of infinite complexity. No need for questioning. No longing for answers to questions we aren't meant to ask, much less seek responses to. Just a process of keeping the body alive as long as you can before it shuts down and begins a new process of decay and decomposition. Eerie. Frightening. Thoughtful, huh?
I wake up everyday and ask myself. Is this all there is? Headaches on more headaches in trying to get over everyday heartaches and stress induced attacks on these bodies we're meant to keep living. Is everything pre-destined?
And in that case, how many pre-destined paradoxes could there possibly exist? How many infinitie number of Nows, Thens, and Laters are we allowed to experience before we settle on one to ease into our easy going time line?
Thoughts process and never end. But we do....what then?
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
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So my last pre-awesome, slit your wrists post should be removed. But i think i'll leave it up for the dramatic foot in mouth syndrome. LOL. I enjoyed my valentine a fair amount :) Feefito & ranny made my night along with some filet MIGNON (fidz, you've been edited.) and jacuzzi time. It was cute with an air of relaxation. Later i went home and got showered with cutesy things by my cutesy valentine. <33333
Friday night me and chewy went over to chantelle's house. Her and I were supposed to have cooked dinner for the guys, but a usual twist of events forced us to buy the food cooked. LOL. It was still good. Ryan woke up and put his baby needs in the middle of our evening. But regardless, we all had a good time. Right up until the four of us knocked out in the living room.
Saturday i went out with my favorite people. Fidz, Ranny, his cousin, Chacho, Janelle, Yaneris, & Wilber. We ate at some weird Denny's like place called Swenson's. Then we went to Gameworks where we went rampant all over. Thanks to our amazing skills at pushing balls into holes, me and Yaneris beat Chacho and Wilber. Fidz watched, and photographed with my new cute little green camera :D ( I think he's jealous, LMAO. ILY !!)
Sunday I was supposed to go cut Fidz hair, but food made me sleepy so I napped. Then I went and saw Definitely Maybe. Which is super cute BTW ! Ryan Reynolds is disgustingly sexy. Quite honestly. Monday, I was also supposed to go cut Fidz hair. But due to HIS large and falsifying mouth, I decided to steer clear of his home for a few days for fear of being shanked by his mother. Still I love him dearly. Stickam'd last night for a bit with Jigz, Drix, & Fidz. Interestingly entertaining for awhile. But then I had to settle into a sleepless night of tossing and turning. Ugh. Im not looking forward to this afternoon. But tonight is the continuance of my newfound love for kickboxing ! LOL.
I broke my trend for philosophical entries and settled into the norm of relaying all about my life. I've turned into an LJ gossiper. Bound to happen right?
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Thursday, February 14th, 2008
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happy valentines day.
may your lovely cup of poison be painless and unregretful.
may your lifelong sleep, be joyous.
and may all the tears you've ever shed...
drown away all the pain and let the past be dead.
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Friday, January 25th, 2008
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she said 'this doesn't hurt..'
she said 'i've finally had enough.'
you feel the heart beating in your head.
against your chest.
beside you instead.
you feel the heat from within.
ignoring tears that sting.
it's permanent but you can't wave off the sin.
waves of frustration, that you aren't complete.
he wants you to have you.
but he won't give up his beat.
your weighed down by emotion consistently,
your own superflous amounts,
their's hoarded away, indirect but venemously.
you bear the brunt of the savage inconsistencies.
by passing you'll be graced with fleeting company.
but the indifference crushes relentlessly.
you've bared it all from the out, to the in.
prepare the fall, we all know it's grim..
you chanced it with a smile, now you've lost it on a whim.
but keep your head up lovely dear,
there's always more, there's plenty better.
stand against what you don't desire, don't settle losing to your greatest fears. i know what i want. sorry its not you. it was always...mr. never new.
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Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008
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i hate that i know exactly what im doing..
and that i know i have no other fucking choice..
and i hope this makes me as strong as it should..
and i hope i learn to drown out my own voice..
im gonna get through this.
im gonna get through this.
im gonna make it, gonna make it, gonna make it through.
you embedded yourself into my soul..
even though my heart was vacant.
i know now it was better this way..
so why do i keep wishing it wasn't?
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Monday, January 14th, 2008
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everything is moving at a strange pace..
from this place to that place.
im not ecstatic with how things are.
but im hoping for the best..
i know it'll all end up looking better for me.
everything will turn out how it has to be..
i dont need to be in complete control..
this is my test..
learning how to let go.
there's so many things that are spinning out of step..
im bordering insanity..but im trying not to stress.
this smile is semi-permanent..
with outlines of inconsistencies..
im looking through a tinted glass..
one where he's still not looking back at me.
----fidel almost caused me to go into cardiac arrest this weekend. ahem, i forgive him. <3
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Thursday, January 10th, 2008
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i have unimaginable patience.
and the stubbornness not to give up so willing..
something i want so intensely.
ive screwed up before.
odds are--i probably will again.
but my instincts are unmuteable.
and i...i'm insatiable.
i'm probably wrong..
i'm probably waiting for the chance i won't ever get..
but this is my best mistake yet.
and im willing to take the fall..if he forgets.
what's the point in being mediocre and alone?
stir up the waters.
make them talk about you.
make them envy you.
give them every idea you can think of to throw their arms up to the heavens and damn your existance to hell below.
DO WHAT YOU SEE FIT.
FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE.
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Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
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| Time: | 1:28 pm. |
| Mood: |  exhausted. | | Music: | barbie yelling in her cave.. |
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sometimes knowing what you have to do.
makes it harder to get done.
it's intense..being happy.
its an overwhelming sense of contentment.
but being so fucking high...
makes the inevitable fall that much more devastating.
nothing can prepare you for that plunge..
nothing...
and the rising anticipation..
its overpowering..
you're waiting for the let down..
for the major break in of pain..
you wait so long, you forget its coming...
and you simmer up on your cloud of completeness..
forgetting you have a long way down..
how long til you meet your sudden death?
how long until it all comes to an end..
how can something that makes you so fucking happy.
make you so fucking sad?
how can something so perfect...
come to an end.
it's all an illusion.
but hold on it...
your fictious happiness..
the one thats all the rage..
its the only thing that makes anything worthwhile..
so keep it on your hands..
and make it last forever..
dont try to measure forever.
just measure today.
today im happy.
yesterday i was happy, but that doesnt matter anymore.
today im happy.
tomorrow i hope to be happy, but that doesn't matter it hasn't happened yet.
today im happy. because its all i have.
if im sad tomorrow..
well then..
i hope i have a safe falling down :/
-----on a less philosophical note.
i love feefito.
i spend most of my free time with him.
And Chacho, who is going through so much right now..that I hope I'm giving him the support he needs..
like he gives me when I need it.
I don't hang out with too many people anymore.
It's less suffocating that way. As much as I miss smothering...the strangulation was sickening after awhile.
some things never change.
some things aren't ever the same.
accept it.
i did. happy new year bitches. 2008---let's make it great.
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Thursday, December 13th, 2007
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i probably care more than you ever could.
not to say im bragging.
on the contrary.
that simple fact sets in stone the idea..
that i will never be as happy as you can be.
and that's fine...
you are you.
i am me.
it's exhausting.
wondering how things will go.
which is why i adapted to --NOTHING MATTERS.
in reality, everything matters..
but it's just a matter of knowing the truth..
and choosing to dull the impact.
you lie so well..
you forgot the webs you spun.
you trapped yourself in them just right..
that you've grown comfortable among the seams.
you don't know how to let yourself loose.
you're not sure you even want to.
but that pretty home kills you eventually.
right after the morning dew..
when it reaches it's peak of beauty..
the droplets surround you in their splendor..
your execution time has arrived.
do you remember all you said?
do you have any idea what it feels like to be dead?
open your eyes..
watch your demise..
you planned on watching everyone else's.
but you don't remember your own venomn's path..
you don't remember who you decieved last.
so cry pretty darling..
your reign of terror's come to an end.
did you enjoy your entrapment?
your self-inflicted depreciation?
you broke down to rise up.
you should have stayed down..
lowered yourself into the ground.
now someone does it for you.
six feet down.
six feet under.
you spin me right round baby, right round.
you spun them right round..right round.
they didn't hear a sound.
but eventually...
your soul won't ever be found.
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Monday, December 10th, 2007
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| Time: | 7:49 am. |
| Mood: | drained. | | Music: | feel good inc.. |
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strange series of events this weekend.
not much to say about that, i suppose.
i'm expecting things to mend. but i can't pressure anything.
thinking back on everything that's happened this year..
i've come to terms with the fact that i don't feel bad for wanting people to be happy.
because though i have my fair share of judgements to express, i still care..
more than i should. more than anyone should.
but alls well, that ends well.
i'm an open book.
read me.
i'm predictable.
so make me a plan.
i'm lovable.
so hug me.
i'm sorry.
so forgive me.
i'm me.
so i can't be you.
i'm human.
and about that, there's nothing i can do.
we tend to give everything negative spins. expecting how they could possibly end up wrong.
you get what you prepare for. so let's lighten our own loads. and smile, because it helps.
don't worry about what happened. worry about what's going on. forget what's coming..
now seems to be the loudest song. forgive, don't forget. move on, don't ignore. accept, don't regret.
You've got your whole life to live for.
_i love you.
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zigga_baby's journal
rushed.
determined.
indescribable.
crushed.
contemplative.
blank.
blah.
cheerful.
confused.
hopeful.
cold.